All The Ways To
by beexfeatheryduster
Summary: WARNING! Please read Authors note, before reading actual piece. I don't want to have to repeat myself, if you wouldn't mind. This is 50 ways to annoy Voldemort/Death Eaters to the point where death or torture is on the horizon, and has your name on it.


**Authors Note: I know a lot of people have done things like this before but hey, I just wanted to. Any similarities between anything in this piece to other pieces like it, not done intentionally. I was listening to Alice Cooper whilst writing this, not reading other fics and going 'ooo, good idea *steal*' No, not what I do. Anyway, hope you find it lolful, I did when I got the images in my head. **

**Nothing in here is intended to be offence. Just take it with a pinch of salt, it's all humour. Some things said might cause ofence or stuff like that, it's not meant like that. You have been warned, don't wanna see it, then don't read it. Like I said, I've warned you, so I think I've done my job. Enjoy =D - Bee x**

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**WARNING! Do the following AT YOUR OWN RISK! I will not be held responsible for death, torture or any other nasty thing happening. If anything bad happens, at least you'll have a laugh before it hits you like a truck carrying tons of bricks**

**Be a muggle born**

_Be a muggle_

**Be a 'blood traitor'**

_Be Gryffindor (unless your name is Peter and you're a snivelling weed)_

**Disagree**

_Say 'but we bleed the same as they do'_

**Ask Bellatrix how her holiday to Azkaban was**

_Tell Lucius that he's a woman_

**Interrupt a meeting you're not invited to**

_Tell Voldemort that he sucks cock cause he's a randy snake like old bastard_

**Prod Bellatrix every two minutes for an hour**

_Tell them that they're all ugly enough to turn Medusa herself to stone_

**Say 'I had your mum last night'**

_Tickle Voldemort with a feather duster_

**Wear a bade that says 'I support Harry Potter'**

_Change the badge to read 'Voldy stinks, has anyone changed his nappy?'_

**Call him Lady Voldysnort**

_Divulge Voldemort's secret life as a fairy princess_

**Say 'I like Order and Phoenix's…. maybe I'm not in the right place'**

_Say 'I don't like Death and I can live without eating for a bit…. Maybe I'm not in the right place'_

**Say that 'Death Eaters' sounds like the name of a group of professional corpse munchers**

_Ask Voldemort where the cookies of the dark side are_

**Snap a photo of Voldemort and draw glasses and a lightening bolt scar on his face. Say that this is the man stopping the Death Eater's achieving glory**

_Ask Bellatrix if she knows anything other than 'crucio' with a side of 'Avada Kedavra' (WARNING! Will most likely lead to possibly gruesome and grizzly death)_

**Comment that Nagini has the perfect skin for a lovely pair of shoes and a bag**

_Ask when the fun comes from being a Death Eater_

**After Voldemort's finished announcing a plan to the Death Eaters raise your hand and say 'What are we REALLY getting out of this?'**

_Sneak up to Bellatrix with a horn and honk it right in her ear_

**Tell Voldemort and Bellatrix that you've developed a new form of mentally scarring torture; Death Eaters playing strip poker**

_Suggest that Voldemort really wants the Elder Wand because his dick is that small he needs something awesome to compensate (WARNING! Be prepared for torture and death and do not try and imagine it, unless it's Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy in which case you MUST imagine them playing strip poker)_

**Suggest that it's rather worrying that a snake like old man is obsessed with a young, fresh teenage boy**

_Ask why they all have to have a painful, ugly ass tattoo but Voldemort doesn't_

**After everything Voldemort says go 'really?' (Note: Must be done like Frau Farbissina in Austin powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged me, will not work otherwise)**

_Have one of those things that make a noise and unravel when you blow into it (will normally be found at party's, and I have no idea what they're called) Whenever anyone speaks to you blow into it. Continue this for a full day_

**Decorate Death Eater mask with pink feathers, glitter and sequins**

_Take notes during a Death Eater meeting with a ballpoint pen, complete with a Disney princess on a spring on the top (Note: must have small feathery stuff surrounding it and jiggle when you move the pen)_

**Give Bellatrix a Canary Cream and take photos. Send them to the Order**

_Discreetly use the jelly legs jinx on Voldemort during a Death Eater meeting (WARNING! Will probably end in instant death from raging Dark Lord on his man period)_

**Suggest that, just for a change, attack Harry Potter BEFORE the school year starts, rather than at the end like has been done (and failed) for the past six years (Note: Place emphasis on the 'failed')**

_Tell all the Death Eaters that Bellatrix has chlamydia (Note: Wouldn't surprise me to be honest. She seems like a blue waffle girl to me actually)_

**Sing 'Everything I do (I do it for you) By Bryan Adam's to Voldemort**

_Every time Voldemort mentions his imminent victory break out a violin and start playing it_

**Give Voldemort a bottle of fake tan and tell him he needs to use it; urgently (WARNING! May end up dead due to bottle of fake tan being rammed down throat)**

_Put a blonde wig on Voldemort and say 'that looks much better'_

**Tell Voldemort that 'Balds United' want him as their president**

_Re-name the Death Eater's 'Baldymorts Dancers'_

**Ask Voldemort for lessons on how to salsa in a graveyard (Note: You MUST refer to the graveyard where he was re-born, where it was blatantly obvious that he was warming up for a dance AND was perving on Harry Potter. No wonder he ran, I mean, I would too 'Oooh yes Harry Potter,. I'm going to kill you. Never mind that I'm talking in a rape voice' I digress though)**

_Ask the Death Eater inner circle if they are joining the Gay Pride Parade next week_

**Jump on the table in a Death Eater meeting and say 'I. Am. Weasel!'**

_Walk around for a day letting off party poppers at random_


End file.
